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I don’t know why I am feeling so down…
I know I shouldn’t have putting so much feeling for him. Tried so hard to control my feeling but I’ve failed. To be honest, everyday I miss him very much and I know he will not know that I like him.
I really want to know him more as a friend but unfortunately, we dont have the luck and… surprisingly, I feel jealous at Ms T. I dont know why!
Whenever he is with Ms T, I had the feeling that she has the feeling for him or vise versa. I also have the feeling, they might be in a relationship. Perhaps, I was just too sensitive, too aware of my surrounding but my sixth sense always tell me the right thing.
Anyways, he is not my bf, shouldnt question him by myself. Argh.. I really hope that someone will replace my feeling for him. Or rather, something to occupy my thoughts…
I feel tortured. I want to change my feeling from special ones to friend’s feeling.
He is not part of my 2008 plan eventhough when I planned for 2008, I knew I has had feeling for him. I just know, I don’t need a bf right now but he really mess my 2008 plan. I know I am in the deep trouble for loving him that much but not able like him openly.
Part of me wanting to know whether he has the feeling for me anot but seriously I doubted that since we have so much differences from the group of friends, from the language we know, the way we think, … lots of differences but I do know for sure that he likes to travel and sporty type which means, he likes to move around. Well, as for me, I am very homely, and only occasion that I go out with friends, love home cooked foods, …. but of course, I also loves to travel.
But yet, ……………
Come across this website.. kind of accurate for Sagittarian like me.. hehe
Ninth sign of zodiac is Sagittarius. It is one of the most optimistic and lively sign. Sagittarius is known for their energy and adventure. They are frank, friendly and extrovert by nature. People admire your good judgment.
* Major positive features of Sagittarius are honesty, outspoken and curiosity for things around you.
* Sagittarius does not want to take responsibilities. They are quite fickle minded, temperamental, and self centered.
* Comfort, luxury, freedom, honesty are loved by Sagittarius.
* Sagittarius hates dull circumstances or people. They simply dislike possessiveness, jealousy, control, laziness and routine.
In relationships, Sagittarius is friendly and cheerful, with an infectious optimism and a love for humor which can take the form of teasing. They can be somewhat restless or even occasionally quick tempered and sometimes their optimism is blind and they can be careless. Sagittarius is honest, though sometimes this manifests as tactless. They are also philosophical and intellectual, seeking the meaning of life.
Sagittarius is happiest when exploring and traveling. They just love adventure. Highly intuitive, Sagittarius is also strong willed.Generally considered the most service oriented of the zodiac signs, Sagittarians are very sensitive with strong feminine (yin) energy. In love, Sagittarians make faithful spouses, are very sincere, and ardent. They are warmhearted and generous. However, they need to feel free and do not tolerate feeling hemmed in well. They sometimes overwork at the expense of their relationships. Sexually, Sagittarius can be very flirtatious and quite passionate.
Sagittarius Females
* Sagittarius female is quite an outspoken person and loves to live independently.
* Outspoken bluntness of Sagittarius females often lead to serious misunderstandings.
* Sagittarius female hates hypocrisy and never care about her reputation.
* It is often said that Sagittarius females are lacking in sentiments. But, It is a complete misconception. They are also great lovers.
Love Life of Sagittarius
* While looking out for partner, they are a little choosy. They seek for person with good social background and great social status.
* Sagittarius natives are quite playful and joyful by nature.
* Sagittarius natives are generous and captivating with their partner.
* Sagittarius always supports their partner during highs and lows.
* Sagittarius always looks out for partner with similar likings, such as exploring different places etc.
Fuyoh… went out since 11.30 am for lunch testing for my sister’s wedding and only came back around 10 pm. The food are not bad and even the environment! I love the foods except the shark fins soup. Yucks… the colour not only not nice but the taste kind of weird. I still love the traditional style.
After the lunch, went to Sunway Piramid to look for my younger sister’s dress for her to dress on my sister’s wedding. Unfortunately, we couldn’t find and in the end, I bought a sunglass from MNG that only costs me RM79. Not bad… I love the design and furthermore, I don’t have any sunglasses.
Then, proceed to go to my sister’s wedding shop to choose her wedding dresses. Not bad, in fact, she look like a barbie doll. Hehehe… she will be the most prettiest bride ever.
After that, we went to IKANO and again we’ve tried to look for Kylie’s dress but still no outcome. In the end, we stopped at The Curve – Kopitiam to have our dinner. Kylie & I bought nasi lemak & Kylie bought extra – Omega eggs. As for Yoyo, he bought laksa & french toasts and Panda ate some of her husband’s foods. To be honest, the foods are very tasty.. yum yum..!
Hehehe… our final stop was at Nichie. Panda and I bought almost RM500 on dresses and Kylie’s dress’ quite costly – more than RM200. Hahaha… I bought 4 dress which only costs me less than RM100. Even Panda.
We left the place about 9.30 pm and only reached our home before 10pm. Kind of exhausting but enjoyable especially I bought my sunglasses. Hehehe…
Today, unexpected encounter with my ex-collegemates. Wow.. it’s been years since I saw them.
I saw Y.Fai last Saturday at Eunice’s opening. He also realised that it’s been years we’ve seen each other.. but of course he commented that I’ve changed. Of course I’ve changed. I’ve changed since I had broken up my relationship with that bastard. I’ve changed my personality from timid to sociable. Not only personality changed, I also changed my dressing, & the way I present to the public. More confident like and never career like. hahaha…
K.Wai also commented that I’ve changed. In fact, he told me .. I’ve grown. Hahaha… perhaps, he was referring to womenly. Hahaha… anyway, had very short conversation with them as my colleagues were waiting for me at one corner. Reluctantly I have to leave them…
It feels good that able to meet old friends and chit chat about our pasts.. aren’t that good!?
Last year’s today, she was still ok but was quite sick and sisters have to go back & visit her. It was my sisters’ last time seeing her normally alive. Only on 29 April 2007, she became unconscious & was in coma state but occasionally responsive. Without knowing she has had 1st stroke.
On 31 May 2007, when we rushed back home and only reached Raub, Pahang at about 9 something… I remember father telling us that she look ok & was with my Kim Len Aunty, if I am not mistaken. Subsequently, on 1 May 2007, her left limbs grew so big & look abnormal, and by then, without us knowing, she has had her 2nd stroke. Aihz.. if that damned doctor checked her properly, her condition might not be this serious that eventually caused her death.
It was then, she was hospitalised for 3 weeks, before eventually left this world. I still remember those days when father, sisters and me frequently visited her in Tung Shin Hospital for almost everyday.. except me.. for the last week when I heard my father told me that she was recovering..
Back to the day on Monday i.e. 6 days before she left us. I was with my friends for movie on that day in Cineleisure until almost midnight. In fact that day I even sms my colleague to come out for a drink.. haha, too bad, he rejected. Anyways, even he was there, will make my friends feel uncomfortable including myself as I am stuck in between.
Anyways, went back home so late, I was too tired as I did not have sufficient time for sleep caused me sleepyness for days. I did not go to the hospital for 3 days. Eventually I followed my father on Thursday. She opened her eyes that day. Sisters were joking about me and complaint to her of me not going there to visit her. She did open several times.. merely looking. There was a sad look in her eyes.. yet, we don’t know that that was the last few moments she opened her eyes.
As usual, Friday emerged, father been asking me to go to the hospital several times that day eventhough he told me that grandmother is recovering. I don’t know why he kept on bugging me to visit my grandmama. Normally I don’t follow because it would be very late to come back home because father will only go @ 10pm. Twould be very late to come home. Anyways, I did follow him (luckily) because that day, my aunties, uncle and my youngest cousin came that day. We asked Ah Tien to call grandmama open her eyes, she did!!! Amazing because she won’t open her eyes even we asked her to.
However, about 11.10pm, aunties were tired wanted t o go back to Raub, Pahang. Aunty Kim Len was holding my grandmother’s hands, told her that they are leaving, surprisingly, she opened her eyes and grasp her hands so tight as if she don’t them to go home. Aunty have to let her hands off, and let me hold her hands. In my minds, I just thought that she don’t want her to leave the hospital.. but actually meant for another meaning which we never thought or sensed it…. … we went back home after midnight.
Okay, the very next day, as usual, I slept late and woke up late. I was watching the Korean drama series… Spring Waltz and was eating nasi lemak.. my favourite. Suddenly, the house phone rang and mother picked up the phone. It was father. He asked us to go to the hospital as she won’t make it.. her pulse drop. He asked us to take a taxi there ,… he was worried that she will leave soon. We did.. waited for the taxi for almost an hour as we couldn’t get one. Luckily, it was not that jam because the taxi driver go through the lorongs. My whole body was shaking terribly. … kept thinking and praying that she still alive. … she was and they have even inserted the emergency needle into her wrist. Wrapped with a cloth. She was injected with a type of water.. glucose and medicine that will increase her blood pulse. Eventually her pulse increase tremendously from 60++ to 148++. It was a good sign and there was a hope. Our hope clashed when the maid, Samre gave her milk was taken out from her stomach undisgested. Something was wrong… nurses advise not to feed her anymore. 
We waited there for several hours even had dinner there. I was tired and was hoping for the best for her… was hoping that she could make it that day. Went back home @ 6 somthing as mother wanted to have bath and father needed some rests. As for me, I wanted to charge my phone batteries.. it was a lame excuse. I just couldnt stand there watching her suffer. I came back home rested and even father had his short nap. Thinking back, I shouldn’t have left the hospital even I don’t like the sorrow feelings in me!…
Went back to the hospital @ 9 pm. Her condition still remain unchanged. Still in coma state. It was so heartbreaking scenario to see my grandmother going off. She was breathing so hard, and did not move even I squeezed lightly. Usually, she will squeeze my hand back, but that day, she was totally unconscious. We were ONLY waiting and praying that she could make it. Her condition did not improve even a slightest change.
My relatives came that night.. we have waited so long and still waited.. nothing changed. Father was not feeling well that day, suggested that we go home and rests.. anything just give a call. Sisters were there accompanying my grandmama and as for me, I went home with younger sister and parents. That time was about 11 somthing. – Again, thinking of this, I don’t feel like I am filial, leaving my grandmama just to have a short nap. I shouldn’t have done that!
God knows how anxiety I was that day. Even I told aunties that if her condition worsened… just let us know. I was hoping that night that we won’t get any call from them. I hated it when we’ve received my sister’s call at 1 something.
We rushed back to the hospital and arrived @ the hospital barely 2 am. I saw my sisters were crying and it was so obvious because their nose were red. I kept quiet and silently praying. I did not want to know her condition but looking at her lifeless body on the bed, make me felt so sad & feel bad for seeing her suffering silently.
I was hoping that they will tell me, good news. None of them approached me.. and I walked to my mother asking for her condition. Mother said, she can’t make it. Her pulse dropping even with the solution that they freshened at 12 am. I was then, hold her lifeless hand and it was unresponsive.
I cried silently. My brains kept on flashing the old memories I had with her when I was young. She was the one that taken care of me for several years since I was discharged from hospital. She took care of me and sisters for years.. I still remember those years, we, the sisters will cry and waived at her when we leave to go back to KL home. But as time goes by ,… the past last few years, my grandmama will be the one sitting on the chair, holding her handkerchief, wiping her tears if we leave the house heading towards Kuala Lumpur. Even, somtimes, she cried even before we leave. Maybe, at that time, she already has the sixth sense that she might not be long seeing us anymore……..
Anyway, we were waiting for another reading @ 3 am. A nurse came, Elaine Chin checked on my grandmama’s pressure, her pulse dropped to 61/40. It was a dangerously low. So, my aunties, father sisters and mother agreed to take her home. While waiting for the ambulance, we quickly took out her shirt and sarong but couldnt find it.. even up todate. Someone must have stole her clothing when she was admitted into the hospital – her pink shirt and sarong she wore from Raub Hospital. So. we chose the chocolate shirt she always wear previously… Aunt Kim Len, told her that “Mother, pls hang on, we will take you home shortly”.. shortly after that, she took her last long breath and stopped breathing… not really stop, but it was no longer those breath she was fought so hard previously. It was a gap between each breath. several seconds before she took another breath. It was the most scariest thing to see someone’s soul leaving the body.. the LAST BREATH. In fact, I still remember this incident…
We were crying so loud and screaming asking her to come back, but mother stopped us. She said, It is best that she leave us quietly. When she took her 2nd last breath, we thought she “left” us in the hospital as we barely could see her breathing or feel her heart beat. We were so confused and nervous to know whether she left/not. Elaine, the nurse checked on her pulse, she can’t confirm, and she asked her colleague… she came and t old us that she is still with us but her beating was faint. She could barely feels it. Asked her whether she can make it back to Raub,… she said, hard to determined. Pray for the best… While, they followed the nurse outside the room, I was left with my beloved grandmama. I definitely knew that she is leaving.. so, I kissed her goodbye. I saw tear came out from her right eye. I’ve cried and my tear dropped & touched my grandmother’s left hand. I just couldn’t stand it. I quickly left the room and cried outside the room…
The Ambulance came @ 4 am. Me & Sistere were downstairs to do the discharge procedures.. before we leave. I was doing nothing and somehow I heard the lift were coming down. I went to the lifts… but none. You know, when you are tired, and “wan sow” no good, you will tend to see something that you ain’t to see. That day I saw a guy standing nearby the entrance that is closed. That entrance is connected to the next hospital.. traditional. I don’t know whether I saw a spirit or actually a human. It definitely terrified me. Quickly I went back to my sisters. Barely 5 minutes and I saw my grandmama was ushered with three parameadics out from the lift,.. including my 3rd sister and Aunt Kim Len. That was my last moment seing her alive before taken off into the Ambulance.
Quickly we ran up but parents, sister and Samre already left downstairs. By the time we came down, father was reversing his car, and we waited patience. By then, I already stopped crying. I was damned confused & was thinking nonsense.
However, Elaine asked us to be strong. To honest that I am grateful my grandmama was there and was well taken care by the nurses for her last few moments of her life. They were friendly and helpful. By the time we left the hospital, it’s already 4 something in the morning.
I was so confused and over turned my wardrobe to search for black shirts and white… suddenly mother said, we cannot wear black… asked us to pack white / dark color shirts. I was damned confused at that time and I didn’t ask her the reason.
We left house at 5 something.. was praying so hard that I still could see her one last time alive… while we almost approaching Bentong, Vanda called my 2nd sister. She said, grandmama already left this world while she’s still in the Ambulance.. she did not make it. My hope clashed… It was a hard reality to actually accept the fact that the beloved one left this world forever. 
I only managed to accept her death almost 1/2 year later. It was great loss for me and I never know that my love for my late grandmama could be this strong and hard to accept.
I only managed to accept her death almost 1/2 year later. It was great loss for me and I never know that my love for my late grandmama could be this strong and hard to accept.By the time we reached Raub, Pahang, grandmama is already dressed and about to do some makeup. She was so peaceful.. however, she don’t look like herself. We don’t know why. It was so quiet and it was cloudy day. I don’t know how many times I cried, but I again cried when I see her lying there lifeless. I knew from that moment, the very last few moments that I can see her ……
Anyways.. it has happened and nothing that could be done to reverse it. Grandmama has left us… loneliness steps in… only matter of time – “till we meet again”…
Time really flies.. and guess what? My beloved late grandmama left us exactly a year by 20 May 2008 at 4.40 am.
I will never forget her and even now, I hardly dream of her. The very last time I dreamt of her was 2 weeks ago when I was having a bad dream.. and I don’t remember of leaving the bad dream “ghost” dream.. suddenly I was at my grandmama’s house. I couldn’t see her but I heard her voice asking me, “why I was there?”.
I just don’t understand myself why I am that terrified of her in my dreams. I should have chatted with her like my last encounter with her in July 2007- few days before her 100 days. She looked so “normal” and peaceful. That day I dreamt of her was actually meant for her to tell me that she is leaving.. I won’t be able to dream of her that often.
Only God know how much I missed her after her death.. terribly.
I never thought that it would feels so sad, sorrow and so hard to accept the reality that someone you loved has had left this world. Emptiness definitely fills my days whenever I think about her.
I do feel bad as my memories with her are fading as time goes by. So, I am now reading my blog that I’ve updated in my last yogapigzone blog to remind myself, the memories that I’ve hold, the loves that I love her in the past, the much misses that I have had for her in the past. I do hope that I will continuously remember her until the day we unite again in some other place…
Thanks you Alvin for being so hardworking to design these lovely posters… and other posters too.!! Nice…
I am surprised! Gosh, I was asked whether I’m a lesbian or not~? Hahaha… my goodness, I’ve never been asked before that kind of question.
To be honest, the only reason why I’m still single until this age because I still couldn’t find the right person in my life. I know he is frustrated that he cannot see me going out with those guys he introduced or rather I say, “PUSHED” to me for almost two years.
Gosh.. it’s not the right time yet. Perhaps, at times I do feel lonely and wants to have a guy to be called as bf but yet, choosing the wrong guy will definitely destroy my perception over love thingy. Incident that happened more than 2 years ago already destroyed my trust in a guy… what else a guy can do to me?
I am still not ready and perhaps, in the near future I might be able to accept someone to be bf but I need more time although already took me 2 years plus to move on. I need to recover from the hurtful incident… wound is yet to be recovered… but of course I did not tell him these…
To be honest, I’ve tried few guys in my life,.. sorry to say, they are disaster to me. Found few but I think we cannot proceed from friend to another level. Is it my fault? Or rather God is playing me out for sending me wrong type of guys.
I am patience enough and strong enough for not being seduced by wrong type of guys.. Perhaps, it is God’s willing to train me to see them more clearly. Failing once already make me feel so bad, so terrible that I almost fell into depression.
Cautious is the best word describe myself.. protect myself from being played by someone. Protect my heart is the best to avoid unnecessary heartaches…
Waiting for the ONE to unkey the door,… takes time and effort. So, if ever anyone that are patience enough to wait for me which doubted that. Hoping that I will find such a guy… else, I don’t mind to be single all my life… if I have to choose that path, that journey without companionship. *@^
I am letting the direction to lead me the way… rather than thinking…….
So sad… Finally today has come. I will gonna miss her since she’s leaving the Country for good with her family.
I will wish her all the best and hope she will be happy over there & of course will not forget us! *@^
