2nd New Year

New Year gonna emerge in 5 days time but it is not surprise that I am not excited at all.

Yeah.. this year will be my 2nd year without my dearest late grandmama (father’s side) and 1st year without my grandmother (mother’s side). Yeah, lost both grandparents in less than a year if go by month..

I know that I should go back Sentul to pray my grandmother but mother did not ask, and we have no initiative to go and pray voluntarily. Haha.. We are bad but I am thinking of going this Saturday but I don’t know whether I can squeeze my time or not because this Saturday will be quite packed besides going to Yoga classes that day. I’ve got a special activity that day which make me wondering whether I will enjoy myself or not. See how it goes la.

Anyway, we all went back to Raub last Saturday. I felt so much at home when I arrived. As usual, the house lost its shine without my grandmama although I felt so much of her presence in that house.

Haha… also especially we all went to Yi Po house. Sis Wei said , she felt like crying when she saw my Yi Po. Indeed and agree with her that she does look alike like grandmama. The way she talk, the way she rubbed her eyebrow, the way she smiles… so much alike.

I remembered last week, when I was talking to Ling2 about my late grandmama’s last few weeks in Tung SHin Hospital. I almost cried in front of her. Holding back my tears … Probably I just miss her too much. Aihz… even sometimes, I still dreams of her although not that frequent like in 2007.

Haha.. I remembered my ah Gu told us that Fa koko saw one big and black figure standing in front of the place we pray our Gods and our ancestors. The moment he turn and look back, it disappeared. He want to see whether it is our grandmama. seriously, not many of us could let go the memories that we had.. not even our family but also my Yi Po’s family. We still talks about our grandmama.

Haha.. And my Ah Gu told us that she was scared when the clock turn past 12. She was scared because she worried grandmama come back to house and wait for us. Haha.. it is true that our grandmama always looking forward for us to come back when she was still alive and she always cries when we all have to go back KL.

Everything seems so different without our grandmama and misses the moment she lost her vocal due to 2nd stroke she had and until her passing.

Erm… KI KI bf’s mother has passed away because of stroke. Can u imagine, u could lose someone within a day? I don’t know how he will feel… if I were in his shoes, I will not be able to accept such death. I only able to accept my grandmama’s death after 6 months which is not really sudden death.

May God with the family and the soul is in peace.

Grandmama’s last few moments

Last year’s today, she was still ok but was quite sick and sisters have to go back & visit her. It was my sisters’ last time seeing her normally alive. Only on 29 April 2007, she became unconscious & was in coma state but occasionally responsive. Without knowing she has had 1st stroke.

On 31 May 2007, when we rushed back home and only reached Raub, Pahang at about 9 something… I remember father telling us that she look ok & was with my Kim Len Aunty, if I am not mistaken. Subsequently, on 1 May 2007, her left limbs grew so big & look abnormal, and by then, without us knowing, she has had her 2nd stroke. Aihz.. if that damned doctor checked her properly, her condition might not be this serious that eventually caused her death.

It was then, she was hospitalised for 3 weeks, before eventually left this world. I still remember those days when father, sisters and me frequently visited her in Tung Shin Hospital for almost everyday.. except me.. for the last week when I heard my father told me that she was recovering..

Back to the day on Monday i.e. 6 days before she left us. I was with my friends for movie on that day in Cineleisure until almost midnight. In fact that day I even sms my colleague to come out for a drink.. haha, too bad, he rejected. Anyways, even he was there, will make my friends feel uncomfortable including myself as I am stuck in between.

Anyways, went back home so late, I was too tired as I did not have sufficient time for sleep caused me sleepyness for days. I did not go to the hospital for 3 days. Eventually I followed my father on Thursday. She opened her eyes that day. Sisters were joking about me and complaint to her of me not going there to visit her. She did open several times.. merely looking. There was a sad look in her eyes.. yet, we don’t know that that was the last few moments she opened her eyes.

As usual, Friday emerged, father been asking me to go to the hospital several times that day eventhough he told me that grandmother is recovering. I don’t know why he kept on bugging me to visit my grandmama. Normally I don’t follow because it would be very late to come back home because father will only go @ 10pm. Twould be very late to come home. Anyways, I did follow him (luckily) because that day, my aunties, uncle and my youngest cousin came that day. We asked Ah Tien to call grandmama open her eyes, she did!!! Amazing because she won’t open her eyes even we asked her to.

However, about 11.10pm, aunties were tired wanted t o go back to Raub, Pahang. Aunty Kim Len was holding my grandmother’s hands, told her that they are leaving, surprisingly, she opened her eyes and grasp her hands so tight as if she don’t them to go home. Aunty have to let her hands off, and let me hold her hands. In my minds, I just thought that she don’t want her to leave the hospital.. but actually meant for another meaning which we never thought or sensed it…. … we went back home after midnight.

Okay, the very next day, as usual, I slept late and woke up late. I was watching the Korean drama series… Spring Waltz and was eating nasi lemak.. my favourite. Suddenly, the house phone rang and mother picked up the phone. It was father. He asked us to go to the hospital as she won’t make it.. her pulse drop. He asked us to take a taxi there ,… he was worried that she will leave soon. We did.. waited for the taxi for almost an hour as we couldn’t get one. Luckily, it was not that jam because the taxi driver go through the lorongs. My whole body was shaking terribly. … kept thinking and praying that she still alive. … she was and they have even inserted the emergency needle into her wrist. Wrapped with a cloth. She was injected with a type of water.. glucose and medicine that will increase her blood pulse. Eventually her pulse increase tremendously from 60++ to 148++. It was a good sign and there was a hope. Our hope clashed when the maid, Samre gave her milk was taken out from her stomach undisgested. Something was wrong… nurses advise not to feed her anymore.

We waited there for several hours even had dinner there. I was tired and was hoping for the best for her… was hoping that she could make it that day. Went back home @ 6 somthing as mother wanted to have bath and father needed some rests. As for me, I wanted to charge my phone batteries.. it was a lame excuse. I just couldnt stand there watching her suffer. I came back home rested and even father had his short nap. Thinking back, I shouldn’t have left the hospital even I don’t like the sorrow feelings in me!…

Went back to the hospital @ 9 pm. Her condition still remain unchanged. Still in coma state. It was so heartbreaking scenario to see my grandmother going off. She was breathing so hard, and did not move even I squeezed lightly. Usually, she will squeeze my hand back, but that day, she was totally unconscious. We were ONLY waiting and praying that she could make it. Her condition did not improve even a slightest change.

My relatives came that night.. we have waited so long and still waited.. nothing changed. Father was not feeling well that day, suggested that we go home and rests.. anything just give a call. Sisters were there accompanying my grandmama and as for me, I went home with younger sister and parents. That time was about 11 somthing. – Again, thinking of this, I don’t feel like I am filial, leaving my grandmama just to have a short nap. I shouldn’t have done that!

God knows how anxiety I was that day. Even I told aunties that if her condition worsened… just let us know. I was hoping that night that we won’t get any call from them. I hated it when we’ve received my sister’s call at 1 something.

We rushed back to the hospital and arrived @ the hospital barely 2 am. I saw my sisters were crying and it was so obvious because their nose were red. I kept quiet and silently praying. I did not want to know her condition but looking at her lifeless body on the bed, make me felt so sad & feel bad for seeing her suffering silently.

I was hoping that they will tell me, good news. None of them approached me.. and I walked to my mother asking for her condition. Mother said, she can’t make it. Her pulse dropping even with the solution that they freshened at 12 am. I was then, hold her lifeless hand and it was unresponsive.

I cried silently. My brains kept on flashing the old memories I had with her when I was young. She was the one that taken care of me for several years since I was discharged from hospital. She took care of me and sisters for years.. I still remember those years, we, the sisters will cry and waived at her when we leave to go back to KL home. But as time goes by ,… the past last few years, my grandmama will be the one sitting on the chair, holding her handkerchief, wiping her tears if we leave the house heading towards Kuala Lumpur. Even, somtimes, she cried even before we leave. Maybe, at that time, she already has the sixth sense that she might not be long seeing us anymore……..

Anyway, we were waiting for another reading @ 3 am. A nurse came, Elaine Chin checked on my grandmama’s pressure, her pulse dropped to 61/40. It was a dangerously low. So, my aunties, father sisters and mother agreed to take her home. While waiting for the ambulance, we quickly took out her shirt and sarong but couldnt find it.. even up todate. Someone must have stole her clothing when she was admitted into the hospital – her pink shirt and sarong she wore from Raub Hospital. So. we chose the chocolate shirt she always wear previously… Aunt Kim Len, told her that “Mother, pls hang on, we will take you home shortly”.. shortly after that, she took her last long breath and stopped breathing… not really stop, but it was no longer those breath she was fought so hard previously. It was a gap between each breath. several seconds before she took another breath. It was the most scariest thing to see someone’s soul leaving the body.. the LAST BREATH. In fact, I still remember this incident…

We were crying so loud and screaming asking her to come back, but mother stopped us. She said, It is best that she leave us quietly. When she took her 2nd last breath, we thought she “left” us in the hospital as we barely could see her breathing or feel her heart beat. We were so confused and nervous to know whether she left/not. Elaine, the nurse checked on her pulse, she can’t confirm, and she asked her colleague… she came and t old us that she is still with us but her beating was faint. She could barely feels it. Asked her whether she can make it back to Raub,… she said, hard to determined. Pray for the best… While, they followed the nurse outside the room, I was left with my beloved grandmama. I definitely knew that she is leaving.. so, I kissed her goodbye. I saw tear came out from her right eye. I’ve cried and my tear dropped & touched my grandmother’s left hand. I just couldn’t stand it. I quickly left the room and cried outside the room…

The Ambulance came @ 4 am. Me & Sistere were downstairs to do the discharge procedures.. before we leave. I was doing nothing and somehow I heard the lift were coming down. I went to the lifts… but none. You know, when you are tired, and “wan sow” no good, you will tend to see something that you ain’t to see. That day I saw a guy standing nearby the entrance that is closed. That entrance is connected to the next hospital.. traditional. I don’t know whether I saw a spirit or actually a human. It definitely terrified me. Quickly I went back to my sisters. Barely 5 minutes and I saw my grandmama was ushered with three parameadics out from the lift,.. including my 3rd sister and Aunt Kim Len. That was my last moment seing her alive before taken off into the Ambulance.

Quickly we ran up but parents, sister and Samre already left downstairs. By the time we came down, father was reversing his car, and we waited patience. By then, I already stopped crying. I was damned confused & was thinking nonsense.

However, Elaine asked us to be strong. To honest that I am grateful my grandmama was there and was well taken care by the nurses for her last few moments of her life. They were friendly and helpful. By the time we left the hospital, it’s already 4 something in the morning.

I was so confused and over turned my wardrobe to search for black shirts and white… suddenly mother said, we cannot wear black… asked us to pack white / dark color shirts. I was damned confused at that time and I didn’t ask her the reason.

We left house at 5 something.. was praying so hard that I still could see her one last time alive… while we almost approaching Bentong, Vanda called my 2nd sister. She said, grandmama already left this world while she’s still in the Ambulance.. she did not make it. My hope clashed… It was a hard reality to actually accept the fact that the beloved one left this world forever. I only managed to accept her death almost 1/2 year later. It was great loss for me and I never know that my love for my late grandmama could be this strong and hard to accept.

By the time we reached Raub, Pahang, grandmama is already dressed and about to do some makeup. She was so peaceful.. however, she don’t look like herself. We don’t know why. It was so quiet and it was cloudy day. I don’t know how many times I cried, but I again cried when I see her lying there lifeless. I knew from that moment, the very last few moments that I can see her ……

Anyways.. it has happened and nothing that could be done to reverse it. Grandmama has left us… loneliness steps in… only matter of time – “till we meet again”…

My grandmother passed away

She left us @ 12.40 at the age of 93 (not yet birthday).

My sixth sense was right. I just had the feeling she might not be able to survive this 2nd sickness. the very 1st happened in 1997, just before my cousins’ wedding. It’s been 11 years now…